It’s okay to say no.

No because my needs are important too.

No because I choose freedom and happiness over guilt or obligation.

No even though I know this is hard for you to hear... “please understand that I am choosing no because I am finally choosing me.”   

Choosing you and what is important to you is not selfish, it is a form of self-love.  Having clear boundaries and the courage to hold them with love and respect amongst friends and loved ones can be challenging, but not impossible. 

What is appropriate for you will be quite different for someone else.  But you are the only one who lives in your world, your reality.  And it is up to you to create an environment in which you thrive.  Ultimately it is up to you to decide what you allow in your life. How are you holding your boundaries at the moment? Are they clear and strong? Or are they a little hazy and loose? There is no right or wrong, just different experiences for either one.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” - Lao Tzu

Boundaries have been a life long lesson for me. I was raised to be a “nice girl”. I was taught to be polite, respect adults/authority figures, do the “right thing”, be seen as being a “good daughter” and always be available when called.

What I didn’t recognise in this mix was the shadow side - the unspoken beliefs and rules I had imposed on myself. Beliefs like…

• It is more important to please others than to look after myself.

• It is selfish to put my own needs before others.

• Other people’s opinions of me are more important than my own self care.

• I am responsible for how the other person feels.

• Other people’s opinions and views (who I deem more important, senior, experienced than me) outweigh my own.

It has been a powerful learning experience to find my voice, speak my truth and do so without feeling guilty, or bad that I let someone down. And this road is one I am still walking and learning. What I have learnt along the way is that it is not our job to fix others or make it okay for them when our boundaries are crossed. This is especially challenging when it happens with someone you admire, respect, or love. Be mindful not to fall into the trap of over-explaining, apologising or diminishing your choice to make it okay for them. Their response is simply that… it’s theirs… not yours to own.

“Daring to set boundaries is the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” Brene Brown.

When we don’t honour our boundaries, when we say yes when we really mean no - we may end up resenting our choice and feeling angry at ourselves and those we are seeking to please. It’s a toxic position. One best to steer clear of if you can. Holding that energy fuses the other person to you, muddies the water and erodes your happiness.

So what do healthy boundaries look like? It’s about knowing your limit, knowing what is acceptable and appropriate for you and then following through when it’s not. Remember your boundaries are unique to you, people won’t necessary know your boundaries. Sometimes the only way to find them is by bumping into them.

Holding boundaries is all about the practice. It is about being okay in the discomfort. It is about trusting that you and the other person will be okay. And it is about being kind and gentle on yourself when you slip back, don’t judge yourself harshly. We are all learning in this game of life.

When I need to set boundaries I find it useful to centre myself, to feel into my heart and hold the intention that my response is sent with love and kindness. I energetically see myself as separate from the other person. I see myself in a orb of light and I see them in their own orb of light and I know we both have everything we need in that moment. I trust the conversation we are about to have is being energetically supported and I ask internally for the strength to speak my truth. I take a breath and then allow the words to flow from my mouth. Letting go the expectation of how it will be received.

Embrace your brave, embrace your boundaries. May you find many treasures on your journey to honouring you including your freedom and happiness.