What’s love got to do with it?

Self-love is the foundation of everything. It is the primary building block to life.  It is the filter in how we see are ourselves, how we experience our world and how we interpret the actions, words and intentions of others.  

If our self-love filter is blurred, distorted, cracked or chipped – our world can seem harsh and at times, quite unloving.

We all have filters.  These are born through social and cultural conditioning, how you were raised, past experiences and deeply held thought patterns and belief systems you hold as true.

These all become the invisible influences in our lives when we constantly filter our reality through them.  For example; if you hold a belief that you are unworthy of love, you will attract people into your life who mirror that back to you and confirm your belief.  You will attract relationships with people who do not treat you as a priority.  As within, so without.  

We are taught how to love ourselves and what love looks like from a young age – so then we expect it to show up in our lives a certain way.   And when it doesn’t we lose faith, feel wrong done by or believe we are to blame. 

But what we are taught is not a healthy picture.  It is a distorted view.  Music, movies and now social media portray love in a certain way.  Mostly unrealistic.  This can narrow our perception and definition of love and leave us unfulfilled, stuck in a loop and potentially trigger fears of never finding the one, or not being in the right relationship.   

This can be exacerbated by undesirable and painful past experiences.  These leave lasting imprints that create a need for us to protect ourselves.  Understandable so.  If we’ve been badly hurt – we don’t want to suffer the heartbreak again.  To shield us from this, we can construct our own invisible defenses, our internal walls, that keep ourselves safe.  

We can bring these stories of wounding and pain from previous relationships with us and project these fears and expectations onto existing and non-existent ones.   These become our patterns which we can find ourselves playing out time and time again in relationships.  “I was betrayed in the past; I am scared I will get hurt again” – is a common fear we can project onto our relationships.  When we don’t feel safe – we feel vulnerable and this is an uncomfortable place to be.  It feels much better to our mind and ego to be in the driver’s seat so jealously and controlling behaviour comes out to play instead. Ultimately sabotaging our relationship, resulting in endings and the confirmation of a deeply held belief that it is safer to be on our own.

So how can we release these old patterns, habits and beliefs to love ourselves and others in a healthy way?   

A good place to start is by asking yourself – how kind are you – to you?  If you stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself, do you notice the beauty within, do you see your radiant smile or the light behind your eyes?  Or do you see what you don’t like, do you see the excess weight, the lines, the scars or the aging process?   

It is a simple but powerful exercise. 

It shows you instantly how compassionate, kind and loving you are towards yourself.

Self-love is also believing in ourselves, when the world outside tells us otherwise.  It is backing ourselves, knowing and trusting that we are enough – just by being ourselves.  We are unique, beautiful beings and therefore, we are worthy. It is having the confidence in yourself that what you do, say, feel and experience is important and matters and that it is uniquely part of your own individual journey.

Another way to love yourself is to be clear on what is okay and what is not okay for you and set loving boundaries.  This was a big lesson for me, especially being a mum.  Learning how to care and nurture myself as opposed to others took some reprogramming.  And it is still a path I learn from everyday. 

Loving yourself enough to create space just for you.  We experience so many emotions throughout the day and yet we are busy creatures – do we really stop to listen to what they are telling us?  Do we pause, sit and let them flow, let them release?   Emotion is raw data, giving us feedback about the world and ourselves.  It is saying look here, be with this. We are taught how to be present and listen deeply to others, but do we ever really do that with ourselves.

Unconditional Love is powerful medicine.  It can dissolve fear, anger, hate, jealously.  It can shift and lift you into an entirely new reality and perspective on situations.  It holds you, comforts you, strengthens you, forgives you, encourages you and empowers you. 

Imagine if for today you loved yourself unconditionally. 

You saw yourself as “amazing and beautiful”... just the way you are. 

Nothing to fix, nothing to mend.   

Accepting who you are, all your brilliance, all your mess, the parts of you unknown and yet to be explored, and the so-called: unlovable bits.  Self-love is truly accepting ourselves warts and all – without judgement or needing to fix anything.

Be kind, gentle, compassionate and celebrate the one that matters most – you!